Monday, September 19, 2011


Today I am struggling. Some days are better than others. Some days I only think about wanting a 2nd child a couple times throughout the day, other days I can't seem to think about anything if everything I read, watch, see, or do causes me to obsess over the huge void I feel in my life. Pretty much everyone I know has more than 1 child, if that's what they wanted, or at least if they only have 1, their child is still much younger than Logan or they're at least expecting. Some people are okay with one child, and that is great for them. I am not one of them. I am sad for Logan that he doesn't have a playmate other than me. I read other people's blogs, facebook updates, etc., and see pictures or cute stories about them playing together and I ache. I ache for Logan to have that connection and I ache to complete my family. I know that I can go back to the doctor and attempt fertility treatments again and *possibly* solve the problem. I know this. Believe me, I have this battle with myself just about every day. To treat or not to treat?

But 5 years ago, I was newly pregnant...a surprise, unexpected pregnancy, but a very much welcome one. One that did not require medication, constant analyzing, or ridiculous fertility treatment expenses. I know more about my body now than I ever knew before, which is not necessarily a good thing. Are my problems new? Or did I have these issues prior to becoming pregnant with Logan and just got lucky? What if I am not meant to get pregnant again? If Logan came about by surprise, then maybe that's just how it's supposed to be. Do I want to tempt fate by medically formulating a pregnancy? Is it necessary or am I just being impatient? Everyone tells me it's His timing, not mine. But how long am I supposed to wait? At this point, even if I do get pregnant relatively soon, Logan will be heading off to Kindergarten and it will be like having an only child again (at least during school hours) and their age difference wouldn't allow to them to be able to really play together for at least a couple years.

I worry about what Logan is missing out on by not having a sibling. I had a brother and a sister, we were each about 2 years apart. I am the middle child. Sure, as kids and teenagers, we didn't love each other, but we were always there for each other. A playmate, a companion, or someone to pick on at least. Someone to play with at the park if there weren't any other kids, someone to make mud pies with in the backyard, or someone to dress up in silly clothes (my brother was a great sport...Heather and I had a blast dressing him in girls' clothes).

So, yes, I desperately want another child, but it's not just for me. I want Logan to have a sibling. I want to at least be pregnant, if not have a newborn, by the time he goes off to Kindergarten next year. So, I guess that's my timeline. I don't know at what point I will go back to the fertility doctor, but I am guessing it will be sooner than later. I don't know how much longer I can stand feeling this way. Sorry for the long post, I just had to get this off my chest. Any advice/suggestions/personal stories are always welcome, as they typically help me remember I am not alone in this journey.

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