Saturday, March 6, 2010

Decisions, decisions

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be one of those moms that stayed home with their kids and was really involved with their school once they were school-age--you know, did the room mom stuff and volunteered at the school. So I was, of course, disappointed when I had Logan and realized I could not stay home. For one, I had just started my first year of teaching when we found out I was pregnant. Number two, we weren't in a good financial place to live off of Chris' income alone. But I found an awesome sitter who has had Logan since he was just under 5 months old and she has been wonderful. I never worry when he is with her, which is great. But my problem is that I don't feel like I am giving my whole self to Logan when I am off work. I am tired and grouchy and just not very fun, I am sure. And at school, I know I am not giving my all because I am always thinking of Logan in the back of my mind and wishing I was the one home with him. So, it's extremely hard to feel like you aren't 100% satisfied in either aspect of your life--home or work.

Chris and I have discussed me staying home once we have another child (if/when that happens--that's another story) because at that point childcare costs would almost take up half of my paycheck. I would have to do something on the side to bring in some income, but if we could get some stuff paid off and learn how to really budget, we're hoping we can make this work. We just started taking the Financial Peace University course at a local church and so far, it's been good. Of course, we're only one class in but I think it will be good for us. While at the first class, a couple of other women were talking about how they stayed home with their kids and how it was the best thing they ever did. It was as if they were talking to me directly. I hated missing Logan's first steps and even his first poop in the potty and I don't want to miss any more and if we have another child, I really don't want to have missed out on his/her firsts as well. One woman at the class was saying how she didn't even know how to potty-train her 3rd child because the daycare had done it with her other two when she was working and now that she was staying home, she was clueless. I don't want to be that way.

After the class, Chris and I were talking and he sensed the push as well. We both just feel like these things are coming to us for a reason and we need to start preparing. Now, I do not hate my job by any stretch but I know I am not working as hard or doing as much as I should as a teacher due to my mind/heart really not being into it at this point. But I am also scared to stay home. What do you do all day? I don't want to lay around on the couch and watch TV and get fat(ter). I want to say that I will do all this educational stuff and enrich my kids' lives and everything, but it would be so easy to be lazy, too. Just being honest. Although, I'm sure the laziness would get old real fast (for me and especially for Chris). On the other hand, when would I go back to work? And when I did, would I get back in at the school I am at, which I love? There are no guarantees and I absolutely hate interviewing. I got so lucky with the job I am at--the interview was so laid back. But things are changing and school districts are tough now, even though it's only been 4 years.

So, for so many reasons, the decision is a tough one. I never expected it to be tough but when you factor everything in, it really is. Of course, I am definitely leaning towards the SAH route and we'll just deal with the other stuff as it comes. We've even discussed moving even though we just moved into this house a year ago. But if we're not tied to our location for my job and the sitter, then there's no reason why we couldn't move closer to Chris' work and live in a cheaper tax area than Keller. One step at a time, I know, but the mortgage is our biggest bill and if we could lower it and still have the space we needed, then why not?

The other decision: Logan's birthday party. I just realized that his birthday is a month away and I have no clue where to have his party. I don't want to do it at the house again, that's a beating. The gymnastics place I was thinking of doesn't have any good times available. And I was thinking about doing it at a park again, but the weather always makes that iffy. I've got to figure something out, though. Invitations need to go out and plans have to be made.

Think I'm stressed much?