You know, before I knew I was pregnant with Logan, I had NO clue what was going on with my body. I was so clueless about pregnancy symptoms that when we were getting ready to go out one night, I had trouble getting my skirt on because I was super bloated, but I blamed it on my should-be-here-any-day-now period. When I specifically wanted to go to Razoo's so I could have Crawfish Etoufee and a Dr. Pepper, I didn't think twice. When I wanted to go to a movie just so I could have buttered popcorn, nothing. When I fell asleep 30 minutes into said movie--still clueless. All this happened on the same night, but the thought of pregnancy didn't even cross my mind. We hadn't been trying (but hadn't been preventing either) so it just wasn't even on my radar. And I couldn't have been more than 4 weeks along.
This time. THIS TIME. I know too much. I know I had 4 follicles, took a trigger shot on day 13, had the IUI on day 14. I know all the symptoms to be on the lookout for and boy, am I on the lookout. Here are my symptoms that I have had so far:
- twinges in my lower ovary regions occasionally
- excessively thirsty
- mild backaches
- face rash (no clue if this is in any way related)
- bloating
- headaches
- light cramping
- frequent urination (like getting up multiple times at night, which I never do)
- mild nausea
- mild indigestion
- tired (but I have also been fighting a cold, so it could just be that)
- super hungry (which is weird for me b/c I rarely get hungry anymore)
- mild cravings (buttered noodles, hot tamales, Wingstop--garlic parmesan and orginal hot and their excellent fries-YUM!)
I know all of this could be PMS as well, I realize how stupid I sound and how overly analytical I am being. I know I am going to be super disappointed if I start my period or my test comes back negative, so I am putting off testing for as long as I can stand it. Everyone has been asking how I am feeling and I don't quite know what to say. Am I "feeling" pregnant? No, but do you feel pregnant 3 1/2 weeks in? Do I have symptoms? Sure, but they are similar to PMS symptoms plus I had the HCG shot that probably contributes.
4 more days, 4 more days. Then I will either be screaming from the rooftops or crying and depressed, holed up in my room.
Thanks for everyone's continued thoughts and prayers. It has been so nice to be able to talk about it and not keep it to myself. I think that would make this wait so much harder, if that's even possible.
This is not meant to offend or poke fun at people who do enjoy Valentine's Day, but I am just not into it. Call me crazy, but I would much rather receive a gift/card/flowers (although I think flowers are kind of a waste of money) any other day of the year instead of on the one day of the year it is dictated. It is so random. I know my husband loves me. I know my son loves me. I know I love them. We show each other every day. I do not need a gift to prove it, nor do I feel the need to give one. So we don't. It's just another day. Everyone is posting pictures of their gifts on Facebook and that's all well and good for them, but really, isn't everyone doing that so that everyone else knows that their significant other did something for them? I mean, I get that everyone likes to show off their loot, but I just get so much more out of a spontaneous gift on a random, out of the blue, day. Not that that happens very often, but I still know my husband loves me.
I know he loves me because he works ridiculously, tirelessly hard at multiple jobs so that I am able to stay home with Logan. I know he loves me because he takes Logan with him when I need a break, which I know is extra work for him. I know he loves me because he kisses my forehead every morning when he leaves for work. I know he loves me because he makes me coffee every morning, even though I rarely get a chance to drink it. I know he loves me because he is supportive of everything I do and trusts me implicitly with Logan. I know he loves me because he is currently standing in a long line at Papa Murphy's with Logan (I needed a break) to get a heart-shaped pizza and s'mores pizza (we had a coupon). But I don't need a material gift or an expensive dinner at a crowded restaurant on a Hallmark holiday to further prove it.
So we went in early Saturday morning for the IUI and I was a nervous wreck. I had been nervous since Thursday and just ready to get it done. I was so worried that the follicles would disappear or something--as silly as it sounds, I was afraid to sleep on my stomach just in case that could cause them to get smushed. I know, go ahead and laugh.
Saturday morning Chris and I got up and left to head to Las Colinas to be there by 8 am. My aunt offered to keep Logan for us that weekend, which ended up being an awesome help since we didn't have to worry about getting him up and taken care of. We left around 7:30. Normally, no problem on a weekend. But today, of course, they had 114 shut down and we were not aware of it until it was too late. Luckily, Chris knows every back road and was able to get us there only about 15 minutes late, which normally isn't a big deal, but we were in a time crunch since we had a time-sensitive sample that needed to be received within an hour. But we made it in time. After we dropped that off, we headed to eat breakfast and walked around Target until my appointment at 9:45. We get back to the office, sign in, and wait. Usually I am alone at the doctor for sonograms, etc., so Chris got to see me nervous. Leg shaking, heart pounding, the whole works. When we got back to the room and were waiting for the doctor, we killed time by texting my sister and aunt and it was so much better to be there with someone else so I wasn't just in the room by myself riddled with anxiety. I was actually laughing and relaxed.
Dr. Haas came in and I asked if he was going to do a sonogram first to make sure the follicles were still the right size, but he said no. I thought that was weird, but he said since I was just there 2 days ago, that they would still be fine. I hope he was right. I would have felt better if I could have seen it again, but I guess he knows what he is doing. The procedure did not go awesomely. I had been told it was painless and quick, easier than a pap smear. But I apparently have a funny-shaped or weirdly-positioned cervix, which made it hard for him to get the catheter past it and into the uterus. It took a couple tries, a different catheter, and a lot longer than normal. And more painful...a lot more. Once it was done, they elevated my hips and I had to lay there for 15 minutes. While laying there, Chris and I enjoyed their music that was playing on the speaker. We don't know if it's planned this way or what, but I swear they played "Bust a Move" and a couple other sex-type songs, which was cracking us up. The nurse came in to tell us we could go but I would have been willing to lay there the rest of the day if I needed to, but she assured me 15 minutes was plenty. I could resume normal activities.
Except I really couldn't. I was hurting. I was sore from the procedure and bloated (I guess from the mature follicles). I took advantage of not having Logan and went home and spent the rest of the day in bed. I was still not 100% on Sunday, so I rested that day as well. After that, I have been fine.
Today I have been having some twinges in my uterus/ovary area (on both sides), which I am hoping is a good thing, but I am trying not to read too much into it. I have to wait at least another week before I can even take a test because the trigger shot would still be in my system and would give me a false positive. Ugh. It's going to be a long wait. If I don't start my cycle by the 25th, he told me to take a pregnancy test (ha, like I am waiting until then) and then call them and I will go in for bloodwork to confirm.
So...exciting stuff. Thanks for all your thoughts & prayers. Everyone has been so supportive and it has meant the world to me.
So I went in today for a sonogram to check to see if there were any mature follicles. It is CD 12. I was not hopeful...I hadn't been feeling any different, no bloating, nothing, so I figured the medicine just didn't work and I would have to do more shots and come back next week. I was just preparing myself.
But right off the bat, he found 2 eggs ready and 2 more getting close!! I have never had more than 1 egg and even then it's not usually mature enough or it gets too big and turns into a cyst. So obviously, I respond well to the Clomid, Brevelle, and Dexamethasone combo. I was holding back tears and in disbelief that it actually worked. My body actually responded. Don't worry, the chances of all of them taking are slim to none, but I wouldn't be against twins...
Tomorrow I will give myself the trigger HCG shot to induce ovulation and then we will go back to the doctor bright and early Saturday morning for the IUI. I am beside myself right now with excitement, even though I know there is a chance it still might not work, but man, what if it does???
I know this is personal and doesn't really matter to anyone but me and my family but I enjoy sharing and writing it all out, it makes me feel better. I know that when people know what's going on, sometimes that feels like more pressure, but for me it feels like more people care and can be praying/thinking/hoping right along with me. And then if it doesn't work, I have a support system to rely on. Win-win.
Okay, so Monday (Jan. 30) was CD (cycle day) 2 so I went in for my sono and everything looked good so he sent me off with my presciptions to fill and start the following day. So to put my mind at ease, I am writing it all down to keep it straight in my head and for documentation (and if any of y'all care):
CD 3-7~150 mg Clomid
CD 3-12~1 mg Dexamethasone
CD 5, 7, 9~Brevelle injections (75 IU)
Daily~Metformin, Prozac, Synthroid
I am scheduled to go back on CD 12 (Thurs. Feb. 9) for a follicle check sonogram to see how/if they are progressing. If they are looking good (which I am doubtful of since they never have before) then we will do a trigger shot to induce ovulation and schedule the IUI for Friday or Saturday. If they are not ready, then I will probably do another round of injections and come back early the next week to do a re-check and go from there. My hope is that my eggs/follicles do something rather than nothing, but I don't want them to go overboard where there is hyperstimulation or cysts and the whole cycle has to be cancelled until the next month. That's been my worry this whole time since I have never tried these medications/dosages before.
Since starting the Clomid and Dexamethasone, I haven't really noticed any side effects, which worries me a little because I wonder if it's working. I started the injections today and within 2 hours was in a full blown sweat while working at the preschool. Talk about a hot flash! All day long. I kept asking if my co-teacher was hot and of course, she never was. My belly is not sore at the injection site yet but I am expecting it. I am also expecting bloating since my ovaries will hopefully be filling up with eggs.
So, let's all think happy thoughts and make these ovaries do their job. : -)
So I had my dreaded appointment yesterday (only dreaded because of my ridiculous anxiety, otherwise I was excited) at noon. I took a 1/2 a xanax the night before and slept wonderfully. Woke up the next morning to a text requesting a showing at our house from 3-4. Great. I had to get up and clean the entire house before we left to head out to Las Colinas for the doctor. Just one more thing to pile on top of my already anxious self. I ran around like a crazy woman, cleaning every room, while Logan ate breakfast and played and watched movies/TV (yep, so sue me). I was done within an hour and a half, hopped in the shower, and left the house right on time. Oh yeah, I popped a xanax for good measure. Turns out, it was probably a blessing in disguise that I had to get up and clean...it didn't leave me any time to sit around and watch the clock and worry about going to the doctor or how it would go.
We drove to meet Chris at the Chick-Fil-A right by the doctor (luckily Chris works 5 minutes from there) and I left them there to eat, all the while reminding myself to breathe and relax and that this was an exciting thing. Got there, signed in, and they told me my $40 copay was covered because I had a $95 credit from last time. Awesome. We're off to a good start. Then they call me back to weigh me (ugh) and take my blood pressure. I warn them (as I always do) that it will be high due to my anxiety. Sure enough, it was. They ended up taking it 2 more times after I was done talking to the doctor, and of course, it went down a little bit each time.
We head back to the room and I wait for the Dr. He comes in and takes me back to his office. We go over everything, any changes, etc. I am feeling calm and getting excited to get the process started. We agree on a plan--straight to IUI, no other messing around with trying other stuff this time. Let's get this party started, as Logan would say.
The Plan:
Provera: starting now to induce a cycle
Day 2 of cycle: Ultrasound to check for cysts
**If all is normal, start on 150 mg of Clomid (I've never done a dose that high), dexa...something (it's a steroid to regulate my androgen levels--also, never taken this), and injections of Follicle Stimulating Hormone (either Bravelle, Follistim, or Gonal-F). I will continue with my daily Metformin as well.**
Day 13-14: Ultrasound to check for follicles (hoping they're big enough)
**HCG shot to induce ovulation**
24-36 hours after follicles are at the right size: IUI (hopefully--if the follicles don't get big enough or get too big, we have to cancel the cycle and try again the next month)
2 weeks later: Pregnancy test
Now, even with ALL of this, the doctor told me there is only a 20% chance of it working. 20 freaking percent--isn't that ridiculous? How in the world did I ever end up pregnant with Logan without even trying? It just reminds me how much of a miracle he really is. Anyway, it could take multiple tries (both of the people I know that have done an IUI, it has taken 2 rounds) to become pregnant, but I am remaining hopeful. If all goes well, I should start my meds and injections around the beginning of February and possible be pregnant by the end of February. I know, I am getting ahead of myself, but I am so done with being depressed and worried about it, that I have to be this way so I stay excited.
Thank you for all of your encouragement and support along the way. Most of this is all new to me so I appreciate every kind word and prayer (if you so choose).
**I know most of you won't know what any of this means, or what these medications/procedures,etc., are, but it helps keep my head clear if I write it out. And it will serve as good documentation so I can keep it all straight if we end up having to do multiple cycles.
This has been my question for the last year and a half. I have been battling with myself constantly over this and I know you have all heard it all before...I got Logan naturally, why can't I with this one? Am I a failure? Why is it so hard? Am I not trying hard enough? Maybe there's a reason I haven't gotten pregnant? The list goes on and on.
A year and a half ago I went to the fertility specialist and did a couple rounds of clomid and injections, which didn't work. He wanted to go ahead and do an IUI the next cycle but I just wasn't ready. I had just left teaching and we didn't want to spend the money and we thought that by me not working and having less stress that it would help in the fertility department. Looking back, we probably should have just done it but I really just didn't feel ready for it at the time. And I haven't felt ready for it--no amount of convincing or anxiety meds could help me make that phone call. It is hard to explain. Yes, I want to be pregnant and have another child so badly but going through all the testing/drugs/etc and the expense is a lot to deal with.
But now. NOW. I am ready. Like, so ready, I would call today and make the appointment if it wasn't a Saturday. I am not quite sure what the sudden change is (other than I told myself I would make the call in January) but I finally feel good about it. I have lost about 24 pounds and my cycles are semi-regular, but not normal by any means (still 45ish days apart, but that's tons better than the 90+ days it used to be). A friend of mine just found out she is pregnant after her 2nd round of IUI so that gives me some hope that it will work for me, too. I mean, I know it works, but I just worry that my body is so messed up that it will take a lot of time and money to actually make it happen, which makes me anxious. If nothing else has worked in the past (meds, injections, OPK's, sonograms, etc) then how will this be different? That is what worries me.
But how will I know if I don't try? The thing with IUI is that they have to monitor you very closely with multiple sonograms to see when/if you ovulate and since I ovulate (maybe) on a different schedule because my cycles are so long, then it makes sense that I would need that extra monitoring. In the past, my OBGYN had just given me meds and told me to come back on day 14 but since I don't have a 28 day cycle, that never worked. At least this way, we'll get a better idea of what is (or isn't) going on with my body. I am finally ready and it feels really good. Luckily, we have a very supportive family and my aunt and uncles have given us some money to go toward the cost and are willing to help with a 2nd round if necessary. Wish us luck!!
