Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Vicious Cycle

You know what sucks about infertility? The depression, self-blame, and confusion it causes, which causes you to not want to do anything other than lay in bed, which in turn means you're not doing what you need to do in order to get pregnant. And when you do, it's typically because you know you have to at least try. But it's a chore and you know in the back of your head it's probably not going to work...and then it's confirmed later that month, which puts you right back in your pit of depression. And it starts all over again.

It just sucks. What sucks worse is when nothing you've tried works. And the only thing left is a miracle or a pricey treatment, that even then isn't guaranteed. And with my body and how it's responded (or not responded) to everything else I've tried, I'm not real eager to spend that money.

It also sucks that despite the fact that I have a wonderful, funny, cute, smart 4 year old curly-headed, blond hair, blue eyed little boy, I still feel incomplete. Yet I can't change that. I can't fix it or fill that void, no matter what I try. It sucks that he is a year away from kindergarten and he doesn't have any siblings that I so desperately want him to have. I long to see how he interacts with my pregnant belly and eventually his newborn sibling, but for now it's just a dream in my head that I hope will come true sooner than later. And although I used to want my kids to all be about 2 years apart, I have now come to realize that I have really been able to enjoy 4 full years with just Logan, getting to know him and devote time to just him instead of him having to constantly share me. Now, if I had more kids closer together, I am sure my thoughts would be different. I am sure I have just adapted my thinking to avoid a deeper depression about the subject.

I just hope this vicious cycle is over soon.

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