Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Only Child to Big Brother Anxieties

With the arrival of Benjamin happening in 22 DAYS I am having some new anxieties I wasn't really anticipating. Typically they hit me in the middle of the night after my 3 am bathroom run, after which I am usually awake for a good 2 hours. Last night's episode was especially bad.

It all hit me. I am losing my "only" child. I feel like I am grieving the loss of that--it sounds ridiculous, I know. I am not losing a child, I am gaining another one whom I have wanted for a very long time. But Logan has been my whole world for over 6 years. He has been the only child/grandchild (at least on my side) for 6 years. He has been everyone's "world."

I have tried very hard to not overdo the Benjamin talk around him. I try to not buy a lot for Benjamin when he is with me. I have really tried not to use my pregnancy as an excuse for much when it comes to doing stuff with Logan. I have tried to include him in as much as possible (such as helping pick out baby things for the registry). I don't want Logan to resent the baby before he is even here. Now, he has never shown signs of that--it's just my own paranoia. I ask questions to him occasionally--"Are you excited?" or "What do you think he will look like?" And he answers in a very matter-of-fact way and moves on. But that is his personality. He is literal and pretty straight-forward about things. Only once has he told me to stop asking about the baby and that was months ago--after which, I shut down the baby talk for a good while unless he brought it up.

I worry about how Logan is going to handle it all. It is so hard to know. I am so incredibly lucky to have a very supportive extended family who will be helping take care of Logan while I am in the hospital and even after we are home. I have made fun plans for him so that his routine will remain pretty similar and he won't be stuck at home the whole summer. Logan will not be left out, but even so, his world will be rocked. I think it is worse because he is 6 years old. Being the only child is all he has ever known.

I am not worried about having enough love to share, I guess I am just worried about losing the close bond with Logan that I have had for the past 6 years. I know him like the back of my hand. I am getting teary-eyed just typing this...and I know a lot of this is hormonal. I don't want him to feel left out or like I won't have time for him. I don't want to overly focus on the baby and inadvertently forget about Logan or make him feel that way.

Luckily, he hasn't expressed concern about any of this. He talks about the baby occasionally and how he wants to kiss him and hold him when he sees him and how he wants to play with him (or trap him in his laundry hamper when he is 1 year old--as he told me yesterday). I hope he keeps those feelings. I hope I can balance both of their needs and have the same bond with Benjamin and maintain my bond with Logan.
I am sure all of these are normal feelings but I had to get it off my chest. It has been weighing on me and I would love to hear any of your stories or advice about this subject.

But first, I will leave you with some pictures of me and my favorite little man.
Logan and me
Taken at his 6th birthday party
One of our many date nights
One of our many date nights

Mother's Day 2013--33 1/2 weeks
Mother's Day 2013--33 1/2 weeks

Seriously, could he be any more handsome?
Seriously, could he be any more handsome?

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